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Kathy Marshack News

The Odd Couple – Why Aspies and Nurturers Attract Each Other

Wednesday, February 21, 2018


Someone with Asperger Syndrome is characterized by their lack of communication skills, social skills, and reciprocity of feelings. The Aspie knows what they think and feel but are often unaware of what others think or feel. With a deficiency in these critical areas, some have wondered how someone with Asperger's develops an intimate relationship or even gets married. The answer is simple, Aspies do love. They just love in a different way.

We tend to unconsciously seek mates who have qualities we lack. It's not so surprising really that Aspies seem to attract the ultimate nurturers. You know, the kind of person who is kind, self-effacing, open-minded, understanding, willing to carry a heavy load for their loved ones. It shouldn't be a bad thing, should it? To be a loving light to others is absolutely the perfect gift.

The NT (neurotypical – the one not on the spectrum) may be attracted to the unconventional nature and child-like charm of the AS adult. They may sense that the Aspie will allow the NT his or her independence. It’s only later that they learn their AS partner isn’t supporting independence. He or she is just not aware of – and may even be disinterested in – the NT’s interests.

So the trick is to remain this loving light even under the pressures of living with Aspies who don’t acknowledge the support you’re offering. My belief is that self-care is in order if you’re going to accomplish this task. Dig deeply into your insecurities and purge them. Accept yourself for the amazing, beautiful Soul that you are.

It's also possible to help our Aspies do better by us. They need instructions in what I call the Rules of Engagement (ROE). They can certainly learn to be more polite and attentive, just not empathic.

The next the Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD video conference is entitled, “Odd Couples – Aspies and Nurturers.” It will be held at three different times for your convenience: Thursday, March 8th at 9:00 AM PT; Wednesday, March 14th at 11:00 AM PT; and Wednesday, March 28th at 3:00 PM PT.

If you live near Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA, and desire in-person counseling, please contact my Jantzen Beach office and schedule an appointment. I also offer online therapy if that works best for your busy schedule.


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